Weaponised Incompetence
Ah, Christmas! A time of joy, of giving, and, most notably, of the elaborate spectacle that is the preparation of the Christmas dinner. This year, I found myself unwittingly cast in a play titled “The Strategic Art of Weaponised Incompetence.” The plot? Simple: Avoid helping with the Christmas dinner at all costs.
Now, you must understand, my culinary skills are akin to a sloth’s proficiency in a 100-meter dash. So, when the time came to assist in the kitchen, I embraced what I like to call ‘strategic incompetence.’
Picture this: I’m standing in the kitchen, armed with nothing but a bewildered expression and an unwavering commitment to my role. As I’m handed a potato peeler, a tool as foreign to me as a flux capacitor, I muster all my programming and logical prowess to achieve one goal – to look utterly and hopelessly out of my depth.
Peeling a potato? Ah, but where does one start? The top, the bottom, the middle? Do potatoes have a top and bottom? These were the philosophical questions I pondered aloud, much to the exasperation of my family. As I fumbled with the peeler, accidentally flinging potato skins in a trajectory that defied Newton’s laws, I could see the patience wearing thin.
Next came the chopping. Oh, the chopping! Have you ever seen a programmer try to dice vegetables? It’s like watching a fish climb a tree – both a marvel and a tragedy. My slices were uneven, my technique was non-existent, and the onions were less diced and more… eviscerated.
The pièce de résistance, however, was my attempt at gravy. By now, my family had relegated me to a task seemingly foolproof. Alas, they underestimated my aptitude for weaponised incompetence. As I stared into the depths of the gravy boat, my mind drifted to algorithms and code, and I added salt with the same precision I allocate memory in C++ – which is to say, liberally and without much thought for the consequences.
The result? A gravy so saline it could’ve preserved mummies.
By the end of this theatrical display, my family reached a unanimous decision: perhaps it was best if I simply set the table.
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