Ah, Christmas. A time for love, family, and orchestrating a performance so grand it could sweep the Oscars for Best Avoidance of Domestic Duties. This year, I found myself starring in an unscripted production I like to call “The Strategic Art of Weaponised Incompetence: A Christmas Kitchen Survival Story.” The goal? Escape from the culinary trenches without being labelled a complete scrooge.

Forget kale, quinoa, or whatever chia-sludge concoction Gwyneth Paltrow is swearing by this week. I’ve uncovered the real superfood that Big Health doesn’t want you to know about: chocolate raisins. Yes, those little squishy nuggets of sweetened pseudo-fruit, lovingly embalmed in a thin layer of cocoa-based indulgence. Not only are they delicious, but they’re also basically the pinnacle of human nutritional engineering – and I’m ready to fight the internet over it.